Big Bird in Asia - Part 2 - Bangkok, Thailand

Having moved on from Pattaya, our Thai experience continued in the capital.

Once again, we had the feeling there was a ladyboy on every street corner.

Given the prevalence of exchanging bodily fluids in hotel rooms right across the city, there are thankfully some who are making a real effort to promote
the use of contraception.

The restaurant we dined at is clearly playing its part and it served amazing Thai food too. 

David used the opportunity to confer with Captain Condom whose presence at the exit personally ensured that each diner left the premises with a prophylactic to foster safe after dinner entertainment.

We didn't need ours as instead we opted for a traditional relaxing foot massage, during which David charmed the local girls with his Celtic charisma. That was undoubtedly the reason they didn't charge him double, despite the huge size of his feet giving them twice as much work to do.

When it came to sightseeing the next day, we thought we'd got an incredible bargain with a tuk tuk driver who agreed to give us a tour for just 40 Baht (1 Euro or 80 pence). The only trouble was, once he'd showed us the first temple (which we had pretty much to ourselves) he miraculously transformed into a complete tosser. 

We'd have quite happily paid him a sizeable sum if he'd only driven us to the places that he'd originally agreed to take us. Unfortunately our arrival at the Lucky Buddha was the cue for one of his many henchmen to spontaneously appear in an attempt to pull the Bangkok Export Centre scam, which you can read about on the Internet. 

When that didn't result in his much anticipated hefty commission, (or indeed any kind of commission as we didn't buy anything) we suddenly found ourselves in a tailor's shop with prices resembling that of an exclusive boutique on Savile Row. Having walked straight back out again, our tuk tuk driver took serious offense when we then demanded to be taken back to the Grand Palace, the place which the so-called "Tourist Police" had prevented us from entering in the first place. Just for reference, the cleverly disguised Boys in Blue are not policeman at all and they are in on the swindle too.

The scam is clearly very elaborate indeed and it's a poor reflection on the Thai authorities that knowingly allow such gangsters to prowl the streets openly trying to rip off people who are simply trying to sample their national heritage.

No doubt those able to put a stop to such practices are more interested in the financial kick-backs they get from their subordinates standing in uniform and guarding their nation's holiest shrine. After stopping you from entering due to a supposed sacred ceremony that's taking place, they obligingly offer to enable you to see other parts of the city by acquainting you with the bargain 40 Baht 2 hour tour by tuk tuk. They naturally reassure you that you'll be back at the Palace by the time the ceremony is over.

Evidently the powers that be deem this an acceptable way for criminals to make profits off the backs of unsuspecting tourists. Having logically assumed that it was a bona fide uniformed policeman standing in front of them, they then unwittingly end up spending the entire day getting dragged to places they don't wish to see and so never actually succeed in seeing the Grand Palace, which ironically was open when they were prevented from entering it the first time they were there.

Everyone is in on the scam - the fake policemen, the tuk tuk drivers, the slick ingratiating dudes at the Lucky Buddha, the retail centres and indeed the Export Centre itself. Clearly these places can't sell enough goods without luring people there under outrageously false pretences. It's not a great advert for the integrity of the Tourism Authority of Thailand, who are evidently not in the least interested in doing anything to stop it. Internet research would suggest that the scam has been openly going on unchecked and unchallenged for years.

Thankfully we didn't take the bait and got back in plenty of time to see the Grand Palace, which is truly an amazing sight to behold.    

The supernatural Chedi guards watch over and protect the Palace complex.

They are so huge that they even made David look small.

Surrounding the entire temple complex is the cloisterlike Ramakien Gallery. It is decorated with large, intricate, lavishly painted murals on 178 panels, depicting the ancient legend of the Ramakien, an allegory of the triumph of good over evil.

The Yaksha (Demon Guards) defend the complex against evil spirits.

At the centre of the Palace are the Phra Mondop library and Royal Pantheon. The walls of the Phra Mondop are covered in green mirrored tiles inlaid with gold medallions depicting Buddha. The Royal Pantheon was originally built to house the Emerald Buddha, but these plans were later abandoned when the building proved to be too small.

The 500-year-old holy statue of the Emerald Buddha, which surprisingly is a mere 66 centimetres high, is now housed in the Bot of Wat Phra Kaeo, a so-called house of meditation where devotees make offerings.  The Bot is lined with golden statues of temple keepers and it is the most important building in the wat. 

When visiting a Buddhist temple, it is very important to be aware of religious sensibilities.

The nearby temple of Wat Pho, which houses the shrine of the Reclining Buddha, is the largest temple in Bangkok. The statue itself is 46 metres long, 15 metres high and is covered entirely in gold leaf. Its feet alone are 3 metres in length and ornately decorated in mother-of-pearl illustrations.

The monkhood is extremely important in Thailand and most teenage boys become novice monks.

This is seen as fortuitous for their families and it is considered to be a rite of passage.

Some enter the monkhood properly at an older age and may choose to acknowledge
its strict rules for life.

It is not forbidden to talk to monks and some are even eager to try out their English.

Just like at the Changing of the Guard in Whitehall, the soldiers at the Grand Palace are subjected to idiots standing alongside them posing for photos. 

The extensive grounds of the Grand Palace also contain a trove of buildings, murals and relics. 

There were statues of all shapes and sizes.

Eventually David was inspired to indulge in that well-known Chinese tradition 

of Irish dancing.

Having spent the entire afternoon in the temple complex, as dusk descended we decided to take a boat tour of the klongs, the canals traditionally used for transportation, floating markets and sewage. 

Most of the capital's klongs have now been filled in and turned into streets, but some still remain to the west of the capital's Chao Phraya River. 

From the boat we were able to observe the numerous riverside dwellings, as well as their occupants of all ages who were engaged in fishing, washing, bathing and playing in the water.

 This frequently gave us a minute yet fascinating insight into the lives of this proportion of the population whose residence essentially consists of a rather precarious-looking shack built on stilts.

Our tour of both the klongs and indeed Bangkok ended opposite the Buddhist temple of Wat Arun, so named because the first light of the morning reflects off the surface with pearly brilliance.

After our final night in Thailand, we packed our bags and headed for Cambodia.

Big Bird in Asia - Part 1 - Pattaya, Thailand

When my good friend from Dublin David Byrne (more affectionately known as Big Bird) came to the Far East last summer, we found ourselves embarking on a really enjoyable 3-week journey across 4 Asian countries, with some great memories captured along the way on his camera.

We met up on connecting flights at Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates where the air traffic control tower in the middle of the desert was clearly designed to adhere to local architectural sensitivities. 

Shortly after take-off The Palm Jumeirah of Dubai was clearly visible from the air. 

After arriving in the Philippines, we briefly headed 2 hours north to the city of Angeles, where David was able to get his first sighting of a Filipino beauty. 

From the once bustling airport at Clark, now almost deserted after the departure of the American military in the 1990's, we boarded our short flight to Thailand.

Given that the flight was at a low altitude, the view of the rice paddies over Vietnam was awesome.

After our arrival in Pattaya, just a 2 hour drive from Bangkok, we quickly found ourselves in the middle of what sometimes felt like the biggest freak show on earth. David quickly made the acquaintance of Robo Cop.

I was more interested in getting to know the two Asian beauties by the Terminator's side. Unfortunately the evidence would suggest that my own ineffectual brand of English charm went down like a fart in a spacesuit as Billy Connelly once said. 

Whole swathes of the place were populated by ladyboys on the prowl offering their bodies in return for a decent night's income. What was most bizarre was the fact that they were being openly pursued and solicited by packs of Indian guys making a serious effort to barter for a communal evening's entertainment. The mind boggles.

Given the need to keep your wedding tackle in order, there are signs up everywhere to remind you of the importance of being ready to take advantage of a quickly-struck bargain.

Cross-dressing and transsexuality were in evidence everywhere we went. During our day trip to the nearby island of Koh Larn, David ended up sitting behind a guy/woman who looked like Bernard Bresslaw in drag in the film Carry on Doctor. 

The long black body hairs he was openly displaying all over his legs were evidently attractive to his partner, who himself was a young man with breasts dressed in a skirt.

The beach at Koh Larn is regarded by some as a public catwalk, no more so than for two gay guys who  sunbathed on their feet for an entire hour. To catch as many rays as possible, the one on the left did his utmost to expose his entire buttocks to all and sundry. It was not a pretty sight to say the least.

To get as much attention as possible, his partner on the right shoved what looked like a toilet roll holder down the front of his trunks (thankfully not visible here). His ploy presumably failed because in Koh Larn, such sights are not out of the ordinary, and the only people who appeared to notice them were us.

Obese Western men are ever present, invariably with slim petite Thai women in close proximity attending to their every need.

Aesthetics play no role in the sexual stakes here. It's purely the size of your wallet that counts and the long-term security which that entails. As our Thai receptionist told us quite openly, "it doesn't matter how old, how fat, how ugly he is. If he has money, and takes care of her and her family, 

she will love him."

The pubs in Pattaya offered extra services that you could barely conceive of, available then and there in the bar. Lolita's, which portrayed itself as a respectable "Gentlemen's Lounge", even sold gift vouchers over the counter, so that if you had enjoyed the pleasure of your mouthwatering experience, your friend could also come too next time. 

Rather strangely, Thai food can be fairly hard to come by in Pattaya, as almost all of the restaurants cater purely for foreign tastes. Consequently, we ended up trying a local delicacy at a street cafe one night. However, the spices in the food almost blew my head off and it wasn't long before they transformed my entire face into a reincarnation of Alexander Dubcek.

It was invariably mid-morning by the time we got to bed each night, as the early hours always gave us a good chance to chat to the hotel staff, naturally complete with a resident ladyboy.

David positively towered over the locals who must have thought he was from another solar system. 

In addition, it's not unheard of in Pattaya for guys to take anything up to 5 girls back to their room on a nightly basis, so the women behind the bar were likewise extremely wary as to what kind of alien perverts we were that we chose not to take any and always slept alone.

One of our fellow hotel guests was Helmut, a guy who helped make our stay incredibly enlightening. His lifestyle was mostly definitely not for us, but he nevertheless gave us an amazing insider's view as to what goes on in Pattaya. It's not a place either of us will ever go back to, but it's certainly somewhere that makes you reflect on life and what it's all about. As David said, when he's back in Dublin, whether it's New Year's Eve, Christmas Day or Easter, thousands of people will still be plying their trade on the streets and in the clubs and bars of Pattaya as they do on every other day of the year. 

It's a bizarre feeling as you watch the locals hustle to survive in the only way they know how. For some this constitutes a mere business transaction, for others it's a thoroughly degrading spectacle unjustifiable on any level. Whatever your conscience tells you, Pattaya clearly has no difficulty attracting visitors, and not only from Western men. There were groups of Western women as well as individual Asian couples frequenting the clubs who looked on in fascination at Thai girls performing stunts with pens, darts, Coke bottles, bunting and even razor blades. It was even more of a shock to discover that Pattaya is also deemed by some Caucasian parents to be an appropriate tourist destination for families with young children. 

Whatever your reasons for going there, Pattaya is most certainly not the paradise on earth that one or two of my mates consider it to be. However, it was quite simply great to share the experience 

with Big Bird and it was to be the first of many on our travels.